This series started as a series of illustrations inspired by life as a dog parent, but as is often the case when we think about the ‘bigger picture’ it has become so much more.
Created in honour of my beagles Bruno and Jenna and the unique companionship experienced when sharing one’s life with dogs, this series is also about what can be learnt through the extreme sadness of saying goodbye.
The initial storyboard for the series was created at the end of 2019, with the first round of physical drawings (all white on white) created in early 2020. At that time I was still processing the loss of Bruno from a year earlier, his death was a traumatic for me and I hadn’t fully accepted it at the time. As is often the case with death I was expected by others to move on from it quickly as the subject of death makes others uncomfortable about their own mortality. I have never shied away from learning about death and loss - from my fascination in studying The Day of the Dead in high school, to learning about the Tibetan Book of the Dead in my early 20’s and Buddhist teachings around death over the last 20 or so years, I knew I needed to allow it to wash over me even though I had never experienced such loss in all of my life.
Having often abided to what others wanted of me most of my life (most females do, but I have been a star student from very early on), I tried to make myself more externally normal even though I was still suffering the loss inside. In this way, I learnt a lot about my own needs and behaviour in loss, but also about who is genuinely supportive when I need it the most. Death tends to show you who’s who in your life.
In the hours after Bruno’s passing, the first hint that there would eventually be a turning point came after finding a single Bruno hair in my mouth while crying into his bed. It was like a gentle reminder from Bruno of my capacity to love and experience love fully: that hair encompassed a lifetime of love. The experience of being a dedicated dog mom showed me that I have the capacity to love beyond definition and form, and the animal companion experience satisfied my lifelong need for genuinely honest and egoless companionship.
The second round of work on this drawing series was done in early 2021 after several months of caring intensively for Jenna as she was/is nearing her end of life. In the fall of 2020 her health took a serious decline after some of the medication we were trying for her inflammation almost killed her. I have dedicated myself to her fully day and night since that time, and have been paying extremely close attention to her quality of life to ensure she is still enjoying and not suffering being in this place with me. She was not supposed to make it to 2021, and every day since then has been a gift even although I have worried that ‘today’s the day’ more and more frequently… she keeps bouncing back and in this she is still teaching me about resilience and patience. She is quite the little miracle in my eyes and I know she will continue teaching me, just like Bruno has, long after she passes on.
The second round of work on this series is represented by the black elements, the ‘erasing’ of the white surface layers reveals deeper and richer experiences. A metaphor for life, truly - since Jenna has started nearing her end of life, I have been thinking much more about how finite life is.
I began to incorporate the black layering as a way to reference different planes of existence, of spirituality, that feeling of one-ness and connection that seeps through when we choose to live a life based on compassion for others… a life path that steers away from selfishness and ego as much as possible. With this in mind, I intentionally let go of cleaning up the scan lines on the drawings and with it the concept of ‘perfecting the image’ to what others might prefer. Life is not perfect and we should not expect it to be so.
The act of drawing and generating the presentation of this final body of work is in line with my spiritual sentiments. In this way, the series now encompasses a deep love and compassion for animals, but also reflects a spiritual journey, intertwining my personal life and my interest in experiential storytelling.
